Monday, February 11, 2013

Day 6 Getting Off Paxil: A deeper laugh

Now this is an odd benefit of getting off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, and I've only stepped down halfway from 20 mg to 10 mg so far. Wonder if it will change more. I have noticed that my laugh is truer, deeper and more frequent now. I've also gotten past enough of the dizziness to feel like dancing to music again and be able to move faster without the vertigo feeling! Yay!

I remember the first time I got off of Paxil, I decided I wanted to because I felt like it put an interface between me and real life. Not that I felt drugged or anything. Just that there was this invisible wall that kept the edges from reaching me.

But it did teach me there is an alternative to living with anxiety and that was a good thing. I want off for the same reason now, but I have a tool now that I did not have then. I have the knowledge of God and Jesus and the faith and ability to pray that can get me through anything.

I know there are cases where a person may never be able to get off an an anti-anxiety medication. I am grateful, so grateful, that is not the case for me. And I think perhaps there are a lot of people who could step off and be just fine but are scared to. It's easy for it to become a crutch. If I'm going to have a crutch - beings that I believe a crutch is all I need to be okay - then I want that crutch to be the Lord. I want to turn to Him instead of medication and I finally feel able to do that.

And in the meantime, when I feel laughter bubble up from deep inside, real deep-down genuine laughter with no filter for it, I will rejoice in it and thank God for that part of my human soul.

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