Postpartum depression is lonely, more in small towns

As a volunteer for Postpartum Support International, I get phone calls and emails from moms who are going through postpartum depression.

They sound as desperate as anyone I've ever heard in my life. And I know their desperation as I have experienced it myself.

I think it's one of the loneliest things you can go through. It is scary and confusing to everyone around you and it's very hard to articulate to someone who hasn't been through it.

Not only that, unlike depression that comes from health issues or divorce or death, no one expects it. They expect you to be the happiest you've ever been.

I was very fortunate to have been in Columbia, S.C., when I went through it. It is a large metropolitan area and I had access to a support group and counselors who specialized in PPD. I met other moms who had gone through it or were going through it. I had many free or inexpensive places to go and get Brady and I out of the house.

I'm learning that here in Kansas - particularly the whole southern and western portion of the state - that is just not the case.

I talked to a mom whose general practitioner would not prescribe her medication while breastfeeding, though some meds really are considered safe. She had to look elsewhere, more than an hour from where she lived just to find a practitioner who was well versed in the options.

Another Mom lived in a town of 10,000 and could not find anyone who could treat PPD. I've given her numbers in several major cities, the closest of which is at least an hour because she was in such desperation to get help from how she was feeling and her family doctor was less than supportive.

These women need understanding and options. They need someone who really gets what they're going through. It is a very unique, very specific, very acute type of depression and one that is crucial to get under control.

It makes me sad they have such a hard time finding proper care. So I will say, if you know of someone going through this, get them to reach out to anyone: spouse, sibling, parents, friends, pastor. I say the last one because if you can find no one else, your pastor can call on the Word of God to help. Just anyone who can help them get the help they need.

And while they're reaching out, suggest they contact PSI to find a volunteer in their area, someone who can do the researching for them or who may know of resources they wouldn't be able to find easily. It's lonely enough without having to go it alone.  

Behavior booster: The Behavior Notebook

In light of some frustrating events at school in the past week and a meeting between school staff and myself, Brady's wonderful first-grade teacher came up with an idea. I had read about this idea before but there hadn't been a reason to use it until now.

It's the Behavior Notebook (see Friday's very happy entry to the left!).

For Brady, whenever something can be tangible and on paper, it helps. In this case, his teacher can relay to me anything that went on during the day that we need to work on from home. I can read it to Brady and he can see an adult's perspective on whatever it was that happened.

There are times, I am absolutely certain, he processes an event differently than the adults around him. For him to hear her words (which are always kind), he can begin to see how others may view things.

Not only that, she can also tell me the positive things he's done (music class was great today!) so that we aren't always focused on what has gone wrong. We can see progress day after day. Things are mostly good, but here's what we need to work on.

And even more, it makes her and I a team, one that is working together for Brady's best interest. She writes a note about the day, sends it home in his backpack, then I can write a note and send it back to her. We can communicate on what each of us is doing. This daily communication is great.

I have no idea what other 7-year-olds typically do, but I have to say I am absolutely blessed and grateful for Brady's honesty. Even before we started this behavior notebook, he would tell me anything that happened that day. Sometimes I'd come home and get an email and be able to write back, "Well, Brady told me what happened before I even saw this..."


I really would recommend this type of tangible, daily communication if it's possible. It keeps everyone accountable and connected. Perhaps you could use this at a day care, the babysitter's, grandma's house, church Sunday school, any place your child may be.

Aldi can save money on healthy foods!

It's no secret Aldi is my favorite store in the universe! (Or that I'm prone to grandiose statements!)

But to the left is why it's my favorite.

For a total with tax of $15, I got two 20-ounce loaves of 100% whole wheat bread, a dozen large eggs, a gallon of 2% milk, two 1-pound packages of strawberries, 3 pounds of apples, 6 kiwis and a sleeve of 50-calorie-a-piece caramel corn rice cakes (which, BONUS, Brady loves!).

They have such good prices on whole healthful foods like these. At Walmart, I'd estimate paying close to $20, maybe more after tax. These are all things I buy a lot of and the prices at Aldi are significantly lower than Walmart.

Unfortunately the closest one to me is half an hour away (in Florida we had a store called Sav-A-Lot which was very similar), so I have to make do with Walmart most of the time, but whenever I can I stock up at Aldi.

It's almost Invention Party time!

I still can't believe we're having an "Invention Party" simply because Brady thought it up and wanted to do it.

But I'm so happy for him to see an idea of his grow into reality. I'm also happy he feels so comfortable inviting half the universe!

No kidding, we're driving down Main Street and he sees the scrolling marquee sign at the telephone company and says, "Oh, maybe we can put the invention party on there."

I said, "No! We're not inviting the whole town!"

It's cool he sees things so grandly though. I have no idea how it will go, I only know he's excited, at least a few kids have said they'll come and at the very least, it will be a fun way to get together outside of school and let off some end-of-school-year steam.

The weather looks good. We're almost done with the stick house. We have boxes of recycled household stuff to use. And maybe he'll remember one day that whatever he puts his mind to he can make happen.

Pictures to follow next week!

401st post! What do kids see through our eyes?

For post number 401, I want to talk about an idea I have mentioned a time or two. As parents, we have a huge responsibility, challenge and blessing to raise other little human beings. And one of the biggest parts of that is they will always - even when they are adults - see the world through the filter, the lens that we as parents gave them.

They may at some point choose to go an opposite direction, but even that is rooted in what we showed them as children. We model for them how to behave in this world, how to treat other people, how to stay in control, how to be a parent, how to be married and what marriage looks like, how to forgive, and what is important and not important.  

Wow.

I am making a pact with myself today to be very intentional with the world view I give Brady. What do I want him to know of the world through my eyes? What lens am I showing him? What is getting filtered out and what is put in sharp focus? Is it a lens of tolerance, patience, kindness, caring and love?


What am I teaching him about other people? Am I teaching him to be graceful when people don't do what we want? Am I teaching him to be compassionate even with someone you may not like or who thinks or acts differently than us? Am I teaching him to be prayerful and not judgmental? That we are no better than others. That we can and should help those who need it.

Am I teaching him to treat his body with respect by how he cares for it, what he eats and whether he stays active?

Am I teaching him to be self reliant, to take personal responsibility, and not expect the world to give him everything? That we don't get everything we want and that's okay? That we don't "need" most of what we "want". To be grateful for what we do have and see how there are others with far less? To work hard and see the results of that?

Am I teaching him that the natural world - both what we as humans deem "good" or "bad" - is part of a larger picture? That it is all connected? That we are all connected? Am I teaching him to be kind and gentle both in words and deeds to all living things?

Am I teaching him that God should take the top spot in our lives? To rely on prayer and faith when everything else has failed? That there are things in this life we cannot handle all on our own?

Whatever I focus on each and every day, whatever I say or do, tells him what I believe is important and how I believe we should act and speak. That is a TREMENDOUS weight of responsibility. For now, he looks to me to show him the way. Someday, it will be too late and that lens will be locked in place.

So I promise to myself and to Brady and to the Lord to do my absolute best to parent intentionally from this day on.

Funny things Brady says ... about termites...

So we had a long winding discussion off and on today about the purpose of God's many creatures on this earth. It came about in response to his rather rough treatment of an ant. My rule is if we aren't going to eat it and it is not a threat to our home or family, we leave it alone. Even an ant. It's one of God's creatures too and I see no sense in being cruel to it and kindness at such a basic level at such a young age, I hope, will lead to greater kindness to human beings as an adult.

Lord knows we need it in this world.

Anyway, we had lots of discussions like, "Those fruits and vegetables we love? There wouldn't be any without bees and wasps."

And, "Ants are the base of the food chain. They provide food for things a little larger who are food for even bigger things."

And, "Rats and mice are food for larger predators like coyotes, who keep the deer in check so they don't eat all the crops, and snakes keep the rodent population under control and snakes are also food for birds and other animals. And bats, everyone grumbles about bats, but just think how many mosquitoes would be around without them!"

Then something hit me. I said, "Brady, did you know even termites have a purpose?"

Without missing a beat, he says, "Is it to keep the house population under control?"

Oh my gosh we both cracked up. It was absolutely hilarious. But honestly, even termites, out in the country of course away from houses serve to break down wood into bits that make a nice rich soil and foster new growth. The world is a beautiful place.

Tonight he asked me, "Why did God make poison ivy?"

My only answer was, "I think I must be to help us learn to pray more cuz I sure did a lot of that when I had it!"

He thought that sounded just about right.

Sometimes it seems I just can't win....

It was suggested to me early in the week last week that I don't expect enough from Brady. It was then suggested later in the week by someone else that I expect too much.

Sigh. 

I guess I have to take in what others in his life think, pray about it, and do what I feel is best for Brady and us as a family. I guess you can't ever make everyone happy. My goodness, all this and he's only 7. I guess the next 10 or so years should be quite an adventure. Thank you, God, for the ride.

My child led me to God

Luke 18:15-17

The Little Children and Jesus

¹⁵ People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. ¹⁶ But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁷ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

I've had several people to say God gave me to Brady, but I really think it's the other way around.They say because I work with him so much, am patient with him, try to think of things to help teach him, that God put him with me for a reason. That I was someone who could handle the things that make him unique and that present challenges.

But no. That's not it. God saw that I had a lot to learn, that I was far from Him and a wonderfully spirited child like Brady would bring me Home.

When I finally chose at 38 to seek God, it was not for myself. It was a rough time, divorce always is, but that was not the reason in my mind. The reason was Brady was having trouble. He was in preschool - not a very good one we later realized - and was struggling. They sent home report after report about him and I was at a loss about what to do.

And this thought struck me: "Maybe if we went to church and he was in the church kids' room he would do better. Maybe he could practice his social skills and be with kind, understanding people who could help him."

So that's what we did. And yes, the church experience was good for him, but oh my, I wasn't prepared for what it might do for me. I cried every Sunday for two months. I mean, for reals! I had no idea I had that much inside to get out. When it was all out, I then learned to have faith, to pray, to live my life in a different way.

Concerns about my son also brought our family to the church we go to now, a really wonderful decision. It's amazing to me how God works.

And now, I pray every day - for Brady, for our family, for his teachers. I pray about all things I do with him and for him. And he has started saying little prayers to God each day as well. I cannot imagine our life now without that. Thank you, God. And thank you Brady.

Parents judging parents is hurtful, not helpful

This one is a hard one for me to write and I've tried to keep emotions out of it.

I once saw a comment thread on a friend's Facebook post about spanking in which one parent said spanking was child abuse and another said if you don't spank it's child abuse.

I've also read long, heated arguments about breastfeeding vs. not.

And I personally had a friend's husband say, "That boy needs something on his hiney!" about my 3-year-old who was acting out and "Is that all he's going to eat?" and "My son knows what 'no' means," and tell him, "You need to get over that, boy. You're THREE YEARS OLD" about his deep-seeded fear of vacuum cleaners. I had another friend's husband (who I had just met) tell his son in front of Brady, "You will be rewarded for what you've had to deal with," in response to my then-5-year-old's sharing issues and grab Brady so hard when he kicked a stuffed dinosaur toy in the guy's "man cave" that it hurt Brady.

In those cases, we'd been invited to stay at their home and then were judged while there. I wish they had told me that if Brady acted up, we'd be treated that way because I know many other people who take us as we are and are patient, understanding and caring. No, things were not perfect but I didn't know they were expected to be. If I would have known, I wouldn't have gone and we'd probably all be happier.

If it's a stranger in the store, I put up a wall and just do what's needed to teach Brady and get us through. But these were friends and my defenses were down. I felt safe going in, but felt betrayed and relieved when I left. I'm sure they were relieved too if this that's how they saw us.

And honestly, their comments did not change me as a parent or person (other than to make me even more determined not to judge), but it certainly did change the friendship, for both of us I imagine.

I would never suggest to a parent that they spank or not spank, EVER. It's a personal choice and none of my business. And I think it's no coincidence that I had two completely unrelated friends, who live in different states, say on the very same morning on Facebook that if they heard one more person tell them spanking was the answer to their ADHD child, they would scream.

Oh, and that vacuum fear? Brady got over it within the next year all on his own without me forcing him. And his limited diet? He had a severe egg allergy no one knew about. Guess it was a good idea I didn't make him eat stuff that would have induced vomiting.

Ugh. I find it hard in my heart to be graceful when I consider parent judgment and I need to work on that. But I do think it's wrong, very wrong. It's hurtful and it is assuming that YOUR way is the right way, the only way, that if everyone would do as you do their kid would be just fine. If your child is doing great, well then wonderful! But other kids are not carbon copies of your child just with different parenting.

If you truly feel a child is in harm, by all means take the necessary steps. If not, then don't assume you know anything about what is right for that child, that parent and that family, or what they go through. You don't know what they struggle with. You don't know what they've tried or haven't tried. You don't know their own family history. You don't know what health issues may be a factor. Unless you are living their life, you don't know even if you think you do. You can't know. And to assume you do is, in my opinion, very unfortunate for everyone.

If you expect another person's child to behave just like yours or if you feel you or your family will be negatively affected by a child who behaves differently (though I still don't see why my kid's vacuum fear or eating habits affects anybody else) then perhaps just don't offer. Or at the very least, please let them know ahead of time your expectations and what will happen if they're not met. Putting them, their child or their parenting down will hurt far more than it will ever help. Those incidents above are burned into my mind and they are painful memories.

Thank goodness Brady was young enough he won't remember.

I'll end this with a link to a wonderful post at the A Mom's View of ADHD blog, about someone who has been there and been judged time and time again. Here's a quote:

"And as your brain scrambles to figure out how you’ll get your own version of The Bucking Bronco to the car or at least out of the middle of the crowd, cue the self-righteous star parents who obviously raised only the best and brightest of the world’s population.
They’re everywhere and they all know one thing for sure: You’re the problem.
Scare him. Spank him. Stop giving into him. Stop spoiling him. Be consistent. Be firm. For Heaven’s sake, don’t comfort him. You’re doing it wrong. You’re a horrible parent. What a shame."

Funny things Brady says... slaving away

This weekend, Jason had to do some painting on a rental house. He mumbled as he walked by Brady, who was playing his DS: "Here I go, slaving away again."

Brady, without looking up, says, "Jason, you get paid for what you do. Slaves don't."

Ha!

That one won't let you get away with anything.

Funny things Brady says ... winter hanging on

Brady told me the other day that Winter didn't want to listen to his Mom, Mother Nature. He wants to keep playing and not let Spring have a turn! LOL! As it snows here in Kansas this morning of April 23, I think he's right!

That's an old picture by the way from earlier in the year, but that's about how much we've gotten today! I'm too cold and grumbly to go take a new photo. It's not supposed to get above 38 degrees and I had to scrape my car. And it's almost May!!

What the heck!

But ... as always... we can use the moisture. Sigh.

Modern parents are stressed out

Today's parents are pretty stressed out. If you doubt it check out this article from Parenting Magazine about how many are taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. I personally just got off of one and am learning to deal with the ups and downs in other ways which is admittedly not always easy (I'm glad God doesn't get tired of me praying, cuz I do it A LOT!)

Beyond that, it came out recently that as many as 11 percent of school-age kids are diagnosed with ADHD (that's 1 in every 10!), not to mention autism spectrum disorders, behavior in response to divorce or having to move because of the economy. And the pressure for kids to perform on tests and be like everyone else. I've recently joined the Facebook page of A Moms View of ADHD. It is one of the best resources I've found. There is post after post after post from all over the country from parents with children who have ADHD and their struggles.

The stories are so similar: trouble with the school, kids getting kicked out, meds stopped working, other parents judging, dealing with side effects and trying to keep the kid's spirit and self esteem in tact because, let me tell you, these kids don't want the problems they have either. Man, this is rough on the whole family. I've wondered if parents of children with ADHD have higher incidents of alcoholism or anxiety meds. Still not sure about that, but here's an article on how it can affect parents.

And here's a quote from the article:

"If you think about what it's like to parent a child with ADHD, it requires a kind of constant vigilance, a high level of energy," Odgers told LiveScience. "This is important, because we know that stress and the burden of caregiving in general are associated with a whole host of problems, mental health and physical problems."  

There's so much to worry about and so much to do: sports practice and games, eating healthy (just look at the child obesity rates!), medication to manage, behavior problems at school to work on, parent-teacher visits, homework (lots of it!), exercise, illnesses and health issues, doctor visits, school activities. My goodness, and that's just me with one kid! Parents with 2, 3, 4 or more have my utmost admiration.

I don't know what the answer is, just I hope we can all support each other and try and understand what we're all going through. I know people have always had kids, of course, but our world today is very fast with all sorts of expectations on parents and children alike. There are so many options and choices and requirements and goals and requests and pressures. The world is a very different place than it was 50 or 100 years ago. In some ways better, yes, but in some ways not better.

It's my hope we can all slow down a bit, savor the moment, live in the joy of life, detach and de-stress, unplug and really see the things that are beautiful in life. I'm going to try. Who's with me? 

I'm happy and lucky to be a soccer mom!

According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of a soccer mom:

"The phrase soccer mom generally refers to a married middle-class woman who lives in the suburbs and has school age children^. She is sometimes portrayed in the media as busy or overburdened and driving a minivan or SUV. <sup>"

and also this: 

"The phrase soccer mom broadly refers to a North American middle-class suburban woman who spends a significant amount of her time transporting her school-age children to their youth sporting events or other activities. Indices of American magazines and newspapers show relatively little usage of the term until a 1995 Denver city council election. It came into widespread use during the 1996 United States presidential election."

I suppose I qualify for some of that. I'm a middle-aged, middle-class mom with a school-age kid, and he is in soccer and it seems like we drive all over the place, though it's in a 2001 Toyota Corolla instead of a minivan or SUV. 

But, that's not the "soccer mom" I'm happy to be. Though it's fine too, LOL. Our soccer season has been a bit of a roller coaster, and in the wake of that I thought, "You know, I never imagined I'd be the one teaching Brady soccer." Life doesn't always work out like we imagine.

Brady's dad - who got him the awesome soccer goal above that we use all the time - is in an other state and so coaches Brady in sports when he can or over the phone. Brady's step-dad and I are self-employed, so his work prevents a lot of coaching. Brady doesn't have an older siblings or cousins or uncles or close-by neighborhood kids who can teach him. 

So that's leaves me, who knows next to nothing about soccer or sports in general really. At first I thought maybe that was sad for Brady. But then I thought, well, sheesh, it doesn't seem to bother him or seem like he thinks it's odd that him and Mom practice soccer every night and Mom coaches his soccer team. He told me he wanted to coach soccer when he grows up. And in fact, we have a really great time. Lots of fun, good exercise, and we learn something. 

Gosh, I couldn't ask for more than that in the whole wide world. Stepping outside your comfort zone is a good thing. And learning alongside your child is ever better. So if something falls to you to teach them, I say embrace it, jump in with both feet and take off running! Here he is playing with a fast-made friend - and soccer opponent he had met the week before - at the park after Saturday's game. He looks so cute in his cleats!</sup>

 

Kids do well more often than we think

I remember being in a seminar once when I worked for county government in South Carolina. It was about time management.

They talked about how some companies had their employees wear beepers or timers. Every time the timer went off, they had to record in a book what they were doing. It could be set for every hour, half hour, 5 minutes, whatever.

The employees - and bosses, I'm sure - were surprised at how much time was spent on personal stuff: phone calls, bathroom breaks, eating, gossiping, zoning out.

I recently read about something similar called the MotivAider at A Mom's View of ADHD blog. The idea is the same. A parent or teacher with a child who presents unique challenges wears a beeper/timer. It goes off and they record what the child is doing.

The beautiful thing is, they learn more often than not the child is doing well and making good choices. It is easy to get hyper-focused on bad choices and miss the majority of behavior. If you are "catching" them doing well, that reinforcement will improve future behavior. If one only responds to misbehavior, well, where's the motivation to do better?

If you have a child who requires more - attention, creativity, thought, guidance, whatever - see if you can't do something similar in your home. Set an alarm to go off every 30 minutes. See what he or she is doing. If more often than not, it is the right thing, then see that there is hope, things are not as bad as they seem, that they are trying and improving.

I think this is a good idea all around. And maybe even for the kid so HE can see that he's capable of doing well too.

For kids with anxieties: worry bullies

Do you like my little depiction of a "worry bully" over there? I think that's kind of what they look like sitting on someone's shoulder. 

One of the most wonderful things I have discovered when researching things to help Brady (and myself!) is the idea of "worry bullies." I talk about it more in this post about books to address behavior issues.

I think anxiety as a motivator for some kids is often lost on parents and teachers when dealing with a seemingly stubborn child or a meltdown. In our case, if Brady gets anxious about something, he will become very upset, not listen to anything you say, throw a fit, act out without realizing why he's doing so, and do whatever he has to not to deal with the anxiety-inducing thing.

Thank God myself and my husband recognize this so we can be patient with him and talk him through it. Punishing a kid for anxieties will always fail and backfire and not help at all. Anxieties are terrible things. They zap rational thought and induce actions a person would not normally ever do. I think sometimes people forget a kid can have them too.

The idea of a "worry bully" has helped us a lot with this. We read the book referenced above and, ever since then, reminding him of what's happening helps him see it as something tangible he can push away. I've seen Brady tell the worry bully to go away, squash it, stuff it in a "box", and then be fine. How powerful is that. I personally have used this idea for myself too since I struggle with anxieties. And it helps me to be able to tell him that mommy has worry bullies too. Then he doesn't feel alone.

Anxieties have affected his response to reading at school. Teachers may assume it is him being stubborn, disobedient or not wanting to do his work. But the truth is reading, for now, makes him very anxious and so he resists it. Anxieties affect his participation in music. He tells me he gets "stage fright." Another time he REFUSED to participate in London Bridge because he did not want to be "trapped."

Understanding what he deals with means I can 1) help him learn the skills to cope with it and fight it and 2) remind his teachers there is more to what he does than what's on the surface. If you address only the behavior and not the root of it, you will get nowhere and the child will suffer.

And we'll keep fighting those worry bullies - ugly little guys! - every day of our lives.

16 ways to keep marriage sparkly and shiny

This was my engagement ring, which is now attached to my wedding ring.

I always marveled at how sparkly and shiny it was. But after washing my hands with soap daily, cooking, cleaning, etc. it gets a little dull. Just like silver tarnishes and fades and loses its luster.

But I have found that a quick cleaning with a toothbrush, little bit of soap, lots of water and a little spritz of Windex afterwards, shines it up like new. I do this every week to keep it looking sparkly and new.

Have you ever polished silver and been amazed how it gleams? Have you ever taken a piece of jewelry and dropped it in jewelry cleaner? The difference is amazing.

I kind of feel like marriage is the same way. We've read about how those love chemicals wear off and you know I believe a strong marriage is the best parenting tool you can have.

And marriage does take time, care and effort to keep it shiny. Someone told me recently, "If you have to try, then it won't work." But I don't believe that. With the busy-ness of life, the stress and strife and human failings, it is easy to forget to try. I'm by no means an expert, having been divorced, but - like weight loss - it's best to learn from the past, and then look only forward.

Here are some things I feel like are helpful for me:

1) The triangle of marriage. When we were engaged, a very sweet neighbor put her two thumbs together and two pointer fingers together to form a triangle. "That's the two of you at the bottom," she said, "and that's God at the top." If you keep Him at the forefront, it will guide everything you do and lead to a more fulfilling marriage. I've heard marriage retreats are awesome, and hope we can do one someday.

2) Hold hands when you argue. You just won't believe the difference it makes. I have a hard time remembering to do this, but when we do it diffuses things quickly and brings us calmly back together to solve the problem.  

3) Have sweet little routines. Jason and I work together, so we often drive the 45 minutes to work together. He reads the paper to me and I just love it. I bring him lunch every day. We sit down together most nights once Brady is in bed and watch the news and talk about what's going on or watch a movie. Sometimes we cook together. When we're apart, we check in with each other often by cell phone (neither of us texts, hearing that voice is so personal for us). As our marriage lengthens, I hope to keep these little rituals. They keep us close and connected and are very comforting. Too often people lose those as the years go by. It takes work - trying - to keep those in place.  

4) Share the load. Jase and I have specific chores. I do the grocery shopping, most of the cooking, laundry, homework help and dishes. He does all the outside stuff like mowing and painting, the finances, vacuuming, making the bed, dusting. Then we share things: taking care of the animals, parenting Brady, taking out the trash, etc. Neither feels unduly put-upon.


5) Be a "team." I think marriage is very hard if you aren't working together toward some goal. Maybe that's raising the kids, reaching for retirement, saving to travel or buy a house. If you're working together toward a common goal and see each other as team players, things are better, I think.  

6) Talk nice to teach other. I see way way too many people "jokingly" put each other down. Or talk bad about each other when the other isn't there. In the Bible it says, "The mouth speaks what the heart is full of." The more you down each other, the more you begin to see each other that way. Those harsh words, whether "joking" or not, undermine the relationship's foundation. They hurt feelings. I believe that with all my heart. Speak nicely of him or her, and you will feel nicely towards them.  

7) DATE NIGHT! Make time for it, or you risk losing your connection. We're lucky to work together and be self-employed. We have more time together than most. But we still make time for date nights outside of working. I think every couple should do this, even if it's as simple as having grandma come over and the two of you take a stroll around the neighborhood. Even without the finances to pay for a date night, you can find creative ways to have special, couple, alone time.

8) What does your spouse need? I don't remember where I got this idea, but if you work every day to put your spouse before yourself, to think of what they need, both you and him or her will likely feel better. They feel loved. You feel generous. And if both of you are doing that, wow is it cool. Taking the focus off of you and on to them does wonderful things. Now, it won't always happen, but again, if you try, you'll do it more often than not. 

9) Cut each other some slack. Something I've noticed lately, hubby and I try to counteract each other's bad moods. If he comes home grumpy, I try to stay calm, figure out what the root problem is and help him. If I get my feelings hurt or get upset, he stays calm and tries to help me out of it. We try to remember each of us is human, fallible, prone to emotional response, and if the calm one can stay calm, it helps the upset one a lot and prevents a lot of arguments.


10) Build each other up. In the early days it's easy to remember to say beautiful things and pour compliments out. I read somewhere that the number of compliments dwindles significantly by 3 years in. How sad! Every day tell your spouse something you admire about them. They're attractive, smart, diligent, a good person, a good parent, a hard worker, talented. Encourage their hobbies and expressions of who they are as an individual. What drew you to them? If you remember to tell them, you'll also remember yourself why you're with them.

11) Communicate. If you have a concern, do NOT let it sit and fester. Consider the root of the problem, then tell your spouse. The quickest way to resenting someone is being hurt or disappointed and then not telling them. If you're a team, discuss the problem and how to solve it. It's best to stay calm when doing so though, :) He or she cannot know your needs if you don't express them. It's impossible. While we work toward putting the other's needs first, we're still just human. We get self involved. We can't read minds. We need guidance. I try hard not to feel that my husband should know what I need. He doesn't and I'm humble enough and invested enough in our marriage to tell him.

12) Laugh a lot! Laughter is so good for the mind and body, and good for a marriage too. Be goofy together. Do silly things. Joke around (but nicely!). We laugh all the time and it helps balance the tough times. At silly people, funny things in the world, funny things we say, times we mess up. Yesterday I accidentally stepped on Jase's foot and then moments later whacked him in the head with the door! After apologizing profusely, we both totally cracked up.

13) Have each other's back. There's nothing more powerful than a spouse who looks out for you, defends you, encourages you, supports you, is there for you. Protect each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Help each other to grow as people.

14) Treat each other special. Jase makes the coffee and gets my coffee cup ready each day. This small thoughtful gesture means so much to me and I miss it when he's out of town. At the store, I make sure to stock up on all his favorite treats and make his favorite meal often (potato soup!). One day out of the blue he fixed a drawer on my dresser that was wobbly and I was so pleasantly surprised. The other day I bought him a brand-new pillow just because he needed one. Expressions of love can be small but powerful, not just on holidays. See what little sweet things you can do for each other every day. 

15) Celebrate the small things.  Make a point to cheer each person's daily achievements and accomplishments whether at work, spiritually, health wise. Notice when they are working hard and doing good things. Take time each day to thank God for the good things in your life, big or small, and the things your spouse has achieved. Gratitude and celebration goes a long way toward happiness.

16) And shine up that ring often! It's a tangible reminder of what you are working towards in your marriage.

Food allergies: Egg-free cooking, baking, recipes

When you or someone in your family has an egg allergy, like my son does,  it can seem as though you're limited in what you can eat.

In some ways that's true. You have to be VERY careful when you eat out and you have to read ingredient labels religiously for what you buy.

However, there are many wonderful substitutes, alternatives, replacements you can use when cooking or baking at home, even in your favorite recipes!

I have made egg-less pancakes, waffles, cake, cookies, brownies, muffins, meatloaf, meatballs, salmon patties, chicken salad, tuna salad, jalapeno cheese grits, and more. While I don't generally seek out recipes I know will have egg, if I see a really great one for a holiday dish or a special treat, I am always thinking of how I can make it without egg. I don't feel restricted in what I make at home.

Here's the list I found. I have used some of these, but was really surprised at the diversity! When deciding which to use, think about the flavor you want to achieve, the texture and consistency, and whether the egg is to act as a binder in say meatloaf or salmon patties.

First, I want to address some common prepared ingredients that include egg, and alternatives to those.

• Lots of recipes call for mayonnaise. I find that sour cream is a suitable alternative, even in chicken or tuna salad. For yellow color, add a little mustard. For a thickening add a little cornstarch or flour.
• Any recipe with imitation crab meat means you have to be very careful. I have found only one brand without egg. You could also use canned salmon or real crab meat. 
• Be cautious with salad dressings as some have egg (Caesar is one, but there are others), but you can find lots of suitable ones with no egg, including Dollar Tree Italian dressing.
• Be careful with soups used in cooking. As I discovered to my horror, cream of chicken has egg but cream of mushroom does not. It's no big deal in my opinion to use one instead of the other. It may taste just a bit different, but changing things up is the joy of cooking in my opinion anyway!
• Some ice creams have egg. Check closely and find one that doesn't.

Next, here's a list of straight-to-the-recipe egg alternatives, the measurements are equal to one egg. Those without measurements, just use your judgment:

• 1/2 of a banana, mashed. 
• 1/4 cup of applesauce
• 1/4 cup of any other fruit puree 
• I wonder if 1/4 cup of jam or preserves might work, don't see why not. 
• Tofu - use chunks for mock egg salad and blended silken tofu as a substitute in a recipe. 
• 3-1/2 Tbsp of this mixture: 1 cup boiling water with 2 tsp unflavored gelatin. 
• 1 Tbsp ground flax seed with 3 Tbsp warm water, let stand 1 minute. 
• Canned pumpkin
• Plain yogurt ( 2- 4 ounces mixed with 1/2 tsp oil)
• 2 Tb plain corn starch (this would be a binder)
• 1 Tbsp cornstarch with 3 Tbsp water (I use this a lot)
• 1 tsp yeast in 1/4 cup warm water
• Mashed potatoes (this one is cool, I hadn't thought of that!)
• Cooked oats
• Cooked rice
• Tomato paste 
• Bread crumbs
• Ener-G egg replacer, found in natural food stores
• 1-1/2 Tbsp vegetable oil + 1-1/2 Tbsp water + 1 tsp baking powder
• For an egg wash or glaze, use melted butter or margarine
• Gravy
• Buttermilk
• 4 ounces of pop (this is for the fluffing up that egg does to some recipes)
• 1 tsp baking soda with 1 Tbsp vinegar (also a fluffer-upper I think)

Another edition of Whatever-You-Have Soup

I did up another batch of Whatever-You-Have Soup while hubby was out of town hunting the other week.

On the left was what I started with, including (had I wanted to I could have added pasta and potatoes, but decided not to):

• A cup or so of frozen rice from the freezer
• can of corn
• can of green beans
• chopped onions
• half cup frozen cilantro
• few frozen veggies
• diced tomatoes
• chicken broth cube
• tomato broth cube
• spices and hot sauce

Here was the end result. YUM! 

The quiet beauty of Kansas - ice pictures

Our little cold snap last week left some real beauty in its wake. I didn't appreciate these things when I lived here years ago, but I do now. Check out our wonderful winter world ...

Weight loss: 15 tips & tricks I'm using right now!

If I don't want to purchase a new wardrobe, I need to get it together and drop a few pounds, well a few more than a few. About 10.

Now I know 10 pounds isn't considered a lot, and I'm grateful for that, but after awhile of trying and failing, it's easy to get discouraged and give up altogether. Then you buy the next size up and it sneaks up on you, then you have more than 10. Maybe 20 or 30 or more. I've been there before, and I desperately do not want that to happen again.

So, I'm pulling out all my old tricks and some new ones. I think they can apply to any weight loss goal. Here we go:

1) Spark People. I cannot say enough about this free resource. It works well for me. Track your food for the day (I never have to enter stats myself, just do a search and they have everything in their database or something comparable) and it not only gives you a target range (very much like Weight Watchers), but just taking responsibility for each bite makes a huge difference. It usually surprises me how fast it adds up.

2) Drink tea! When I feel the urge to eat and I don't want to or don't really need to, I reach for a cup of tea. If it's decaf, I sometimes reach for two. It really helps. Plus sometimes thirst is mistaken for hunger.

3) Pray. Really. I do this. I pray before I eat. I pray when I feel like eating and I know I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored, or tired, or sad, or whatever. I pray for the strength to make healthy choices and I pray to God for confidence in myself and Him.

4) Find ways to exercise, especially walking! I will not probably ever pay for or take the time to go to a gym. I also am not the type to have structured exercise like jogging at 5 a.m. or biking every night. So I have to fit in exercise when I can.

I play outside with Brady, ideally every day. That means biking, hiking, practicing soccer, tossing a ball, building our stick house, running in a sprinkler, sledding, playing at the playground or park, etc. I walk everywhere I can: to the store, to the post office, to my in-laws house, to get Brady from after-school care. I turn up the music and dance around the kitchen. I park way back from the store (this morning by accident I parked in the wrong parking lot and had to walk a long way to the store, LOL! But it counts!)

I try and find active hobbies. For me it's metal detecting and digging, collecting mulberries, apples and walnuts (and then cracking them), and gardening. Mostly, just look around your day and see places where you can tuck in some activity. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. 

5) Positive self talk. Don't beat up on yourself, not for where you are, how far you have to go, if you fall down and make a mistake. Meet yourself where you're at. This is why I hate the idea of  "fat jeans." Sure I have jeans that fit better at one weight and others better at another, but to call the larger ones "fat" just sets me up for self defeat. Be who you are in the moment, and if you want to change, take the steps to do so. Work hard, set goals, but go easy on who you are. And always live in the NOW, and look forward, not backward.

6) Toss in quick exercise. Take 10 minutes whenever you can and wherever you are to do some quick exercises. I do these at the office, in a bathroom stall sometimes, at home in the morning or at night when Brady's watching TV:

Wall push ups
Basic standing squats
Toe lifts
Backwards leg lifts
Forward leg lifts
Standing side leg lifts
Knee cross crunch
Chair push ups (chair dips)

There are probably others too. 

7) Keep myself looking my best. Whatever my situation, I try to keep my hair and make up in a state that makes me feel good. I try hard not to get down on how I look and do the best with what I have. I try to dress in a nice, pretty and flattering way (at least most of the time! Let us not forget the early morning crash in hot pink pajamas, at least they are kinda cute). Because if I have confidence in how I look, that will give me confidence to work toward my goals.

8) Be cautious when out and about. Check fast-food restaurant nutrition information closely. Order baked potato, salads, grilled options. And one of my favorites, grab lunch at your local grocery store salad bar.
And when you can, take lunch instead of buying out.

9) One-bowl low-cal soup. One of my favorite "diet" indulgences is making this out of broth, veggies and seasonings. You can even sneak in a few bits of pasta, rice or canned meat. Check out this one I made recently (2 c water, 1 bullion cube, diced tomatoes, frozen veggies, hot sauce, a dash of Parmesan and spices). It is so hearty, you'd hardly tell it has very few calories. It can really help to stave off hunger.  

10) Rethink dessert. Instead of a treat like cookies, cake or candy, I try and dress up fruit like berries and fat-free whipped topping, or this fake banana split. I also will have oatmeal or farina with a bit of sugar and milk. Other ideas are caramel corn rice cake (Aldi's brand is only 50 calories per cake) or cut up strawberries with a little sugar or sweetener on top.

11) Rethink party food.When you're going to a potluck or cooking for a holiday (there seem to be at least two of these deals a month anymore!) try bringing healthier alternatives to fill up on rather than fried, greasy, cheesy, buttery stuff. Oh that's hard though! But try. Also use fat-free ingredients - cream cheese, sour cream, reduced fat cheese, whipped topping - whenever possible to save a little.

12) Keep low-cal snacks handy! In this case, I munched on homemade tomato pickles and baby carrots.

13) Stay well fed! I have a little bit low blood sugar, so if I go too long without eating I get RAVENOUS. If I have let myself get too hungry or if I don't have a steady supply of good stuff around, I will eat anything, most likely something bad for me. That is the quickest way to sabotage any weight loss plans. Eating every few hours, not starving yourself, as long as it is healthy food, will keep your metabolism up and running. This not only burns calories but you'll have the energy to exercise and focus on your goals.

14) Be patient. I find myself doing one of two things: 1) Getting frustrated that it's not working fast enough or 2) When it starts to work, thinking, "Oh boy, I lost a few, now I can eat whatever I want!" and then I end up where I started before long. No, no, no, self! I recall the words of a grad student I worked with years ago. He was a very deliberate, smart, talented, structured student from Korea. He always said, "Slow and steady work, slow and steady." That applies to scientific instruments and it also applies to weight loss. Just take it slow and steady, be patient, stick with it, day after day after day until it is a habit, a routine, an ingrained pathway in your brain. If you do that, it WILL work.

15) Plan your meals. I do this for two reasons, one, to save money so I buy only what I need and can utilize what I have already stocked up on, and two, to keep our meals healthy. On the fly meals are rarely as healthy as the ones I've planned out. I have in the past planned out my next day's meals on Spark People so I have locked myself into something within range the day before (you don't have to do this forever, just until you get in a good pattern or rhythm). I even have stuff around that is easy to grab for breakfast (low-fat yogurt or cheese sticks, lean jerky or lunch meat, whole grain bread, tortillas or cereal, fruit, things I don't have to think a whole lot about).

Different learning styles, why not behavior styles too?

As I mentioned in a previous post, our challenge at school is not so much learning but behavior. A so-called "invisible" special need as the lady below coins it. Brady may do well academically, but he doesn't respond to direction and discipline the same way as other kids.

Here's a quote from a post at the blog Easy to Love Hard to Raise about 25 Things Parents of Children with Special Needs Want Their Kids' Teachers to know:

1. Children with “invisible” special needs, like ADHD, PDD, SPD, PBD, FASD, OCD, Anxiety,  ODD, Autism, Asperger’s, and many others manifest their disabilities behaviorally. It is EASY to blame the parents for these behavioral problems. It is ACCURATE to see these behaviors as a result of their brain dysfunction.

Here's the key phrase to me: "manifest their disabilities behaviorally." It is so true and the list of 25 things is absolutely spot-on. I am amazed the more I research the number of other parents going through what I have.

I guess it's no wonder. According to this article, 11 percent of school age kids are now diagnosed with ADHD, and something like 1 in 5 boys. That's 20 percent!

Here's the thing, we've accepted since the 1970s that kids have distinct and different learning styles. Some learn from what they hear, others from what they see, and still others from what they do.

Now maybe, since so many kids are struggling in today's classrooms, we can accept that they have different behavioral-response styles as well and there's no one-stop approach to teaching them the skills to live within the rules. 

As most any parent with a child diagnosed with ADHD will tell you, traditional methods of discipline, punishment and consequences do not work for their child  or at least not for very long. And the reason may be this, which I found at this article: 

"A decrease in dopamine in the reward pathway causes problems with motivation. This means that patients with ADHD need more rewards for positive behavior to change their negative behavior. In addition, the lack of motivation may keep you from doing something you find boring, which contributes to the inattention problems of ADHD. Nora D. Volkow et al., authors of "Motivation Deficit in ADHD is Associated with Dysfunction of the Dopamine Reward Pathway," measured personality and dopamine levels in ADHD patients. Compared to the controls in the study, the ADHD patients had lower scores in impulse control and achievement, as well as reduced dopamine availability at dopamine receptors."

So Brady has, for example, an egg allergy. Therefore we adapt what we give him. We don't use egg. We substitute. We get creative.

I believe this same idea should be applied as it relates to behavior problems. Motivators need to be different. Methods need to be different. And you have to be ready and willing to change things up because these kids quit responding to things that used to work before. What works for everyone else may not work for them.

Rewards and positive words go very far, as do patience, understanding, calmness and consistency. This does not mean, by any means, that we let them off the hook. We expect them to try, to improve, to learn and to grow. Same as it is with reading, writing and math.

But it does mean we should approach them differently, treat them as unique individuals and don't try to stick square peg in a round hole. If you have a child with ADHD in your class, see what can be done to help them learn the rules of behavior right alongside learning the rules of the 3 R's.  

Sharing testimony of God with your kids

I had rather an epiphany in church today. It wasn't unprompted. It was in response to my pastor's talk on us being witnesses of God and Jesus in today's world. There were witnesses those thousands of years ago in His time. But we know what those witnesses knew and saw through the Bible.

And as Christians, we've experienced the life-changing power of God and Jesus. We have testimony from our own lives. And we're supposed to tell about it.

All that I knew. What I didn't think about until today is that I should share that testimony with Brady.

In my mind, I had only thought about sharing with adults. To show to them how my life and who I am as a human being was changed by giving everything over to the Lord.

But why not my kid? At 7, he can understand at least some of what I tell him about my life before and my life now. About how I pray and find answers. About how I even think God guided where I ended up living in South Carolina, a place that would lead me to Him, which is where I needed to be. A co-worker and I each commuted about 25 miles one way to our jobs. That's how we met, at work, 25 miles away from home.

But he attended a church just a half-mile from where I lived. I went to the church and felt good there. I sought out a similar church in Florida. During a difficult life time there, I was saved. I needed salvation and God led me to it.

As an aside, God makes the best of both our good and bad life situations. A sermon in that church in Florida later led to me emailing my now-husband, then ex-fiance. When I look back the path is rather stunning. I never would have imagined being where I am (and I have a pretty good imagination!)

I should tell Brady about these things. That I have seen and heard and felt God work in my very own life. Maybe I can help him see it work in his life, to begin to learn to have faith. We do pray for a boy at school and that boy has been doing better and we thank God for that.

But how much more powerful to see it work with him and with me. I don't know why these ideas take so long for me to see, but I will start using that in our bedtime talking stories, moments I feel God worked in my life.

When a child struggles, don't give up!

I shared last week how soccer so far had been a frustrating endeavor for Brady and I. It was new for both of us. New rules. New game. Huge learning curve for us both.

But, we stuck with it, and this week's game was the best! We lost as a team, but as far as I'm concerned Brady and I won big time.

I talked to him before the game, told him to promise me he'd try really hard to not throw any fits no matter how upset he got by anything: thinking a goal wasn't fair, the other team was winning, getting kicked during the game while trying to get the ball. He promised, and when the other team got 3 goals IN A ROW, he had to make good on that promise.

He balled up his fists so tight and scrunched up his face and then... he let it go. What a triumph to see. And me personally, I got so involved in the game I forgot to even worry about anything. Praise God! Now we're both looking forward to next week!

We're both trying our hardest and by gosh, we're progressing. And the best part was, after the game we went on our traditional post-game-Wendy's-frosty run and ended up sitting by one of the other team's (that beat us 3-2) coach and his kid, a boy who had made it his goal to block Brady from the ball at one point. Brady and him kept jumping in front of each other with their arms out during the game and instead of getting upset, Brady embraced it.

Brady now calls his kid his new best friend because they talked and talked and talked about the game and how exciting it was and who did what. And the kid told Brady their team was called the Monkeys, so Brady said: "Here's a joke. Then where's your banana? Hahahaha." He cracked the whole family up. He also told the coach, "You guys sure yelled really loud!" They did too, he's not exaggerating! Yikes! Felt like we were playing an Olympic game or something.

At any rate, this experience has been so good for us both. There were days I never thought I'd say that. Any parents out there with kids who have unique struggles, don't give up, stick with it, hold onto the roller coaster and go, it CAN work. I'm telling you, there were days I cried and wanted to give up. But I should have had more faith in Brady ... and me... and God.

Oh yeah, and then afterwards we went to the park and ran into a girl he'd played against last week (our only win so far! Yay). And she said, "I remember you. You cried because you had to sit out and you wanted to play." Sigh. Well, at least he's memorable, and it didn't phase him one bit. They went on to play together for the next half hour.

His sociability, his likeableness, his ability to evolve and grow and think through problems is really amazing. Especially given his challenges and his age. I had a pastor to once say that he doesn't buy the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle." He thinks it should be, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle WITH HIM."

That means He sure does give you more than you can handle alone. And in those times you have to seek Him out more than ever. I totally agree. He guides me to situations that are so hard, so confusing. But the results from those situations are the most significant of all.

6 dinner ideas for food allergies, sensory issues

This was Brady's dinner the other night when we had chicken enchiladas. The final product for us was cooked in cream cheese with green chiles and tomatoes and green enchilada sauce.

But for him, I gave the chicken, cheese and tortilla, and added apple.

A friend asked me not long ago how did I handle dinner time with Brady, who is severely allergic to eggs. She has a child with sensory issues and meat texture is a problem at dinner, and its made harder when there are other kids in the home asking why they don't get special treatment!

I don't have that particular issue since Brady is an only child, but it did give me pause about how we handle his dinner. I don't want him to think the world will metaphorically make special meals for him all his life. But I do recognize this physical difference and that is why we do Try Something New Thursdays and I also focus on the fact it has made him a more healthful eater in general.

Not only is he allergic to eggs, but the trauma food gave him during his first four years - anything with egg made him throw up or become very nauseous and we had no idea why - has made him pretty picky. He cannot stand anything that has a lot of stuff mixed in it. I don't care how many times I tell him there is no egg in it, those feelings of anxiety as it relates to food are ingrained. And at times it is warranted, as I almost gave him a dish with egg in it a few weeks back and I'm SO cautious about it usually!

He is also strong willed. This could become a nightly battle and I think that would push him away from a healthy relationship with food, so I won't do it. What I will do is help him eat healthfully within the confines of whatever we're eating for dinner that night. So here are some ideas for dinner with a picky eater or an eater with food allergies.

Explain

Explain to any other children that the allergic child has a physical condition, not unlike diabetes or the flu or something else. If a child is sick, you don't give them anything but crackers and sprite. If they're diabetic, sugar has to be controlled. Food allergies or even sensory issues are no different. The food in question causes a negative physical response that affects the health and life of that person and it has to be addressed.

Keep it close to the same

Serve what you can of the same meal to the allergic or sensory-stressed child. It may help the other children to see the one in question has most of the same meal. You don't need to cook an entirely different meal for one kid, but you can adapt it to their particular issue. If we're having deer pizza, I keep some of the ground deer off separately in a bowl, give him cheese, spaghetti sauce, bread and veggies on the side. (He also hates the texture of melted cheese and gags on it). It's the same meal, just arranged differently.

Break it down

Break the meal in to component parts. In our case, a meal all mixed together is a big problem. But I can't expect Jason and I to eat just what Brady eats. So... I look at what we're having all mixed up: chicken, cheese, tortilla, veggies. I can cook the chicken and keep some back before it is made into enchiladas. Add cheese, tortilla and some kid of fruit or veggie and it's mostly the same.

Keep the problem in mind

Though you don't cater your meals to one child, you can keep that child's unique needs in mind when planning meals. If I see a recipe with egg that would make it difficult to use a substitute, I move on. I do not collect recipes that would require me to use egg because I want him to feel like he's able to eat what we eat, he's not left out, his needs are considered. I also now do not keep recipes that involve cream of chicken soup since the above-mentioned near-egg incident involved cream of chicken soup. I'll either substitute cream of mushroom or just forget it.

Research allergen substitutes

There are lots of substitutes for egg: applesauce, mashed banana, oil, cornstarch. The same is true for gluten, milk and most allergens. I've been able to make a lot of recipes for us as a family that normally would include egg but instead have a substitute, things like meatloaf, meatballs, muffins, cookies, lasagna, waffles, salmon patties. It can be a challenge, but it's fun too!

Find something comparable

If the issue is sensory or texture-related, or whatever you're serving doesn't lend itself to breaking up into component parts, think about a similar item. If the problem is meat, can you change the texture? Can you grind it up in a food processor, or chop it up thin? If the meat you're having is beef, can you give slices of lunch meat instead of chunks of roast? If it's chicken, would canned chicken work better? They're still getting the same meat, just in a different form, again in recognition of their unique physical situation. Can you find something that is comparable?

It's hard to have to compromise at meal time, something that should be so easy, right? You cook. They eat. But when you are dealing with food allergies or sensory issues, it's just not that simple. With a little research and planning and family discussion, however, I think you can make it work with minimal fuss. Good luck!

Help for ADHD: a team with 4 parts

It occurred to me today that kids diagnosed with ADHD need an active team consisting of 4 parts.

Part 1) Parents and family. All learning starts at home. Learning opportunities arise outside the home, but what has already been taught is the lens through which kids respond to those opportunities. Whatever you do at home, they will remember out in the world. So parents can hopefully find ways to reinforce outside rules in the home. This is also why I try to help Brady see his teachers in a different light, try and bring his grades up by working at home and try to help him see why the rules exist. Also try and make sure all family members involved in your child's care are on the same page as you are. If I chose not to reinforce school rules at home, it would make it that much harder for Brady.

Part 2) The child. Regardless of what your kids remember of what you have taught them, they are individuals who will make their own choice in a single moment, good or bad. I tell Brady often that the medicine he takes only helps him focus a little so he can think about his choices more. It can't make his choices for him. It only takes him part of the way, the rest is up to him. It's hard, really hard, as a parent to put the weight of that responsibility on him, but I think it is so essential for him to learn to take responsibility for his decisions even though it may be harder for him than other kids. And even though he is so young. If he has a prayer of ever being off the medication, he needs to learn the skills it takes to make choices on his own. I also try not to fight his battles for him, letting him handle the things he can, and teach him we can't change another person, but we can change how we respond.

Part 3) Teachers/coaches/bus drivers. If these people don't accept your child has a unique way of learning and responding to stimuli and direction, and that he or she is not acting up just for the heck of it, things will be tough for everyone. I'd encourage being in close contact with your child's teachers and caregivers. They would likely welcome ideas, and if not, I'd say keep suggesting them anyway. Perhaps give them information on ADHD, what it is, why it happens, what can be done about it, help them see it is a condition that requires a different way of approaching a child.

Part 4) Counseling, medication or IEP. A child diagnosed with ADHD will likely need something extra. Something more. Something formal. It can be an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) that brings a team within the school together to help a child with a learning disability. It can be a counselor that helps them through therapy. Or it can be a medication. Which of these it is, or which combination, depends on the child and education situation. In our case counseling so far has not helped, Brady does well at school so we have not sought an IEP.  He already feels different sometimes, so I don't want to make that more of an issue if there's not a strong need. 

So, for us, medication was the right choice. Finding a balance was very challenging, but I do think it was the right path, at least for now.

With a structured approach like this, I think a child can thrive, though not without bumps in the road. The hardest part is having a new teacher every year!

The challenge is getting everyone on the same page and working as a team. I also think parents should tell their kids about this kind of teamwork, so they understand their role in it and the role of any medication they are taking. I think it makes them feel more secure knowing there is a structure to their life and it gives the motivation to go that extra mile, even when things are hard.